Gripes

Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?

Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral…
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven’t.
Guy #1: You’re a fucking moron.

–Panama City, Florida

Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut

To Bring Up Incest Like That

12-year-old boy to boogie boarding pal: You just did a 360! That was so awesome! We should all give you blowjobs for that! Even your brother!
Friend: Dude, you are so gay.

–Monterey Beach, New Jersey

Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith

Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands

Little boy to mom: Don’t touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I’m going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

His Girlfriend Has It Mo-We-Fr, Her Sister Tu-Th, and They Alternate Weekends

Dude #1: I wish she would just forgive me already. It’s been over a month.
Dude #2: Dude, you went down on her sister!
Dude #1: Well, yeah, exactly. It’s like the same pussy, right?

–Jacksonville Beach, Florida

I Fought the Law…and the Fight Was Postponed

Burly guy: One good thing about this trip: at least it ain’t Jersey.
Girlfriend: Jersey’s not that bad!
Burly guy: Easy for you to say, there’s not a warrant out for you there.

–Revere Beach, Revere, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Staying far away from this guy…

Could the World Continue in My Absence?

14-year-old boy, looking at tide chart: Dude, I don’t get it! High tide is at 9:55 p.m., but this place closes at eight!

–Crescent Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Kevin and Elissa

He's a Full-Time Burnout

Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He’s a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He’s not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That’s just his part-time job.

–Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas

He Looked Good With the Anus Ring

Girl #1: So then I said, “I’ll pierce anything I wanna pierce, asshole!” and left.
Girl #2: Good for you. It was a stupid reason to break up with you, anyway.

–Daytona Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Liz Burrin

Trashy Daughter: Well, Then at Least Take Off Your 'Cum Dumpster' Shirt!

Overweight, trashy lady: It’s not hanging out!
Trashy daughter: Mom, yes it is. You can’t wear that kind of suit.
Trashy lady: We just drove two hours to get here, the weather’s not that great, and I can wear a thong if I want to tan my ass whenever I want!

–Rio del Mar, Aptos, California

Overheard by: Melissa

Arguably Kinder than Playing the Class Card

White hicks in car let out low wolf whistles.

White chick on sidewalk: I’m sorry, we’re just not into white guys right now.

–Destin, Florida

Overheard by: Beach Bum

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