Break-ups

Oh, Britney Spears, You Wacky Scamp

Underage girl #1: Yeah, but I’m not going to feel okay using my ID if everyone here is from Ohio. They’re going to know it’s fake.
Underage girl #2: Shhh… There’s people in here.
Underage girl #1: I don’t care.
Girl in stall, coming out to wash hands: I know what you guys mean about the Ohio thing. Minivans… I just moved here from New York.
Underage girl #1: Oh?
Girl from stall: I hate it here. I just had a baby. He’s three months old, without a father…
Underage girl #2: Oh my god. I’m so sorry…
Girl from stall: Then my dad left us. He left our family after 25 years. He left us all behind.
Underage girl #1: Oh, uh…
Girl from stall: It’s alright. Have a nice night.

–Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: Awkward…

No Wet Bar. Can You Believe It?

Blonde: … So as soon as we got home from spring break I told my boyfriend that I had sex with Brad on the beach.
Friend: Oh my gosh! What did your boyfriend do?!
Blonde: He said, ‘I guess we’re not riding in Brad’s limo for prom.’
Friend: What’s wrong with Brad’s limo?!

–St. Augustine beach, Florida

At Least They Shower

Ghetto girl: …And so I broke up with him because he kept getting robbed. He had all these shady friends, ya know? It was like we’d wake up and the television and the shower curtain would be gone.

–Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island

Your Editors Beg to Differ

Guy #1: What happened to the girl you were seeing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me because I had too much baggage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with depression that was hooked on painkillers and ecstasy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You’re a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this conversation.

–Pacific Beach, California

Grown-ups Use MySpace

14-year-old skater dude rolling up to two friends hugging: I thought you two broke up… over the phone… like little bitches.

–Hermosa Beach, California

Overheard by: therigo

He Looked Good With the Anus Ring

Girl #1: So then I said, “I’ll pierce anything I wanna pierce, asshole!” and left.
Girl #2: Good for you. It was a stupid reason to break up with you, anyway.

–Daytona Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Liz Burrin

Translation: They Have the Best Coke

Dude #1: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
Dude #2: It’s over. I think it’s a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there’s a good reason they’re strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It’s like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
Dude #1: I still want to date one.
Dude #2: … Yeah, they’re fun.

–LaHaina’s, Mission Beach, California

Overheard by: sean

If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To

Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You’re taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can’t be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.

–Long Beach, New York

It Was America's Funniest Home Intercourse

College chick on cell: I’m like, ‘Why do I have to have dreams about us breaking up? Why can’t I have dreams like I used to… Like when I was fucking Bob Saget?’

–Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Ava

When Couples Get Divorced, It Is Truly the Children Who Suffer

Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?

–Parua Bay, New Zealand

Overheard by: naughtygurl

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