Time

Teenage boy: Well, last time I was here I got arrested…

–Hampton Beach, New Hampshire

Overheard by: arc

Early 30s woman: I was feeling bad, like I wasn’t on schedule or something. Then I saw who she was marrying and I didn’t feel so bad.

–Lake Michigan, Illinois

Overheard by: Midwest Values

Townie broad #1: You can tell how a man treats a woman by how he treats his bike.
Townie broad #2: Bill keeps his in the garage and hasn't ridden it in five years.

–Point Pleasant, New Jersey

B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That’s why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I’m glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!

–Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas

Woman #1: Now you see that dude right there? That one in the green swim trunks.
Woman #2: Okaaaaay, yeah, I see him. The one with the red hair that's skimboarding?
Woman #1: Yeah, him. Now, I would so hook up with him. Look at those abs. Don't you just wanna run your hands all over him?
Girl slathered in tanning oil, staring at them: That's my boyfriend.
Woman #2: Oh. How long have you guys been going out?
Girl: Four months. What's it to you?
Woman #1: Just weighing our chances.
Girl: Chances of what?
Woman #2: Sleeping with him.
(girl makes disgusted noise and walks away).
Woman #2: Don' t worry, Shar. She's hideous. We'll follow them when they leave and the next time they go to a club or something, we'll hunt him down and get what we want.
Woman #1: We always do. Wait…which one of us gets to sleep with him? (they glance at each other, saying nothing) I've got a bigger rack.

–Pismo Beach, California

Overheard by: Matilda

Mom to young son: You lost all your privileges when you peed in your pants.

–Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Scott

20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?

–Ocean City, New Jersey

Drunk guy to others: Imagine how long it would take to fuck a spider. It would take ages!

–Dunedin, New Zealand

Middle-aged lady #1: He keeps calling me on the cell phone telling me he’ll be right there and I’m like, ‘I’ve been waiting 25 years, I’m leaving!’
Middle-aged lady #2: And my poor granddaughter is there, and we’re all hugging on each other…

–Cabrillo Beach, California

Overheard by: confused

Old lady looking at 30-something lady with a pot belly: Oh, how nice! How far along are you?
30-something lady: I beg ya pardon?
Old lady, smiling: Well, when are you due honey? The baby!
30-something lady: I'm not pregnant! This is how I look!

–South Beach, Miami, Florida