Mom: If you drown, I won’t save you. Don’t you dare get in that water!
Son runs into the ocean
Mom: Son of a bitch. He can’t swim, and my suit can’t get wet. Do I really have to choose, because this bikini was pretty damn expensive.
–Belle Harbor, Queens, New York
Guy #1: Wow, I guess Michigan is the fattest state.
Guy #2: No way is it the fattest state. Think about Kentucky. An entire town full of fat, ugly chicks, and one Daisy Duke.
Guy #1: Who?
Guy #2: You need to learn more history.
–Lake Michigan
Lifeguard, walking into parking lot: They can’t make me stay here.
–Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island
Girl: What is that?!
Guy, flipping it over: Oh my God. Are those eye sockets?
Girl: Ewww. That’s no jellyfish.
Guy: It looks like an alligator head.
Girl: But alligators aren’t in salt water. Maybe it got lost?
Guy: Look it has a…spine?
Girl: But a head wouldn’t have a-
Woman sitting nearby: -It’s a chicken breast. I just threw it out.
Girl and Guy: Oh.
–St. Augustine, Florida
Overheard by: Cristen
Small child: Mama, I have crabs in my shorts!
–Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: People Watcher
12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!
–Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia
Swedish guy: … So she had to shave her pussy and use a used razor she found in the trash.
–Barcelona, Spain
Overheard by: boxface
Girl to boyfriend: My vagina is all wet, and not in the good way.
–Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Thommy
Middle-aged guy #1: I’m gettin’ old, buddy.
Middle-aged guy #2: We’re all gettin’ old.
Middle-aged guy #1: Yeah, but first I was just gettin’ too tired to have sex, so I was jerkin’ off a lot. Now I’m too tired to even jerk off.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shut up. You’re getting me depressed.
–Boardwalk, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
