Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who’s Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he’s not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is — he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
–Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Woman #1: I haven’t had sex in three years.
Woman #2: But what about your friend?
Woman #1: He doesn’t count, because I don’t enjoy it.
–Brittany Beach, France
Redneck girl: Frank was out fishing with the guy who drowned yesterday.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he try to save him?
Redneck girl: No, he was fishing — I told you. He thought he had one on the line.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he?
Redneck girl: No, it was just the water.
Redneck boyfriend: I thought you were gonna say it was the guy who drowned.
–Holland State Park, Michigan
Overheard by: Townie
Girl #1: That motherfucker is totally going to hit us with his ball.
Girl #2: Assholes… They just don’t know how to act.
Girl #1: Yeah, man. Shit, where’s my top?
–Atlantic City, New Jersey
Man: … So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash… And I walked up to him and said, ‘Give me that goat!’
–Restaurant, Mammoth, California
Guy #1: Dude, but she is so annoying.
Guy #2: Yeah I know what you mean, but what else can you do?
Guy #1: I dunno, dude, but I’m not gonna take a shit on her. That’s freaking weird! I’m not into that!
Guy #2: Yeah, I guess.
–Manasquan Inlet Beach, New Jersey
Teen girl: I heard there are sharks in the lake.
Teen boy: That’s probably not true.
Teen girl: It’s true. Like, somebody got killed here by a shark.
Teen boy: I think you have upstate New York confused with anywhere with a shoreline.
Teen girl: But…
Teen boy: ‘But’-nothing if you wanna get fucked later.
–Lake George, New York
Man: One small monkey bread, please.
Girl: What’s a monkey bread?
Man: I have no idea.
–Monkey Bread Café, Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You’re on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says ‘Come on in.’
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don’t. That’s what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I’ll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You’ll forget. Do it now. No one’s watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I’m going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
–Destin, Florida
Teen girl: Do sea lions swim?
Mom: No, they ride boats.
–Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just wanted to take a look at SEA LIONS
