Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who’s Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he’s not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is — he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?

–Carolina Beach, North Carolina

50‐something to friend: I’ve been married so long I can row a boat with a rope.

–Horseshoe Beach, Florida

Teenage girl #1: Yeah, my dad’s getting re‐married this summer.
Teenage girl #2: Omigod, my dad just got one of those Filipino mail order brides, and let me tell you, they make the best egg rolls ever.

–Nassau, Bahamas

Overheard by: Spring Break wooooo!

Father at table with whole family, after female scream is heard: Wow, that sounds like my wife’s orgasm. I’m hammered!

–Catalina Island, California

Girl #1: Can you get promoted?
Girl #2: Well, right now I have like the highest position I can have, unless, like, I work my ass off and get promoted to another part of the company. But I’m just not that motivated. My goal is to just get married and not have to work.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah, I think that’s everyone’s goal.

–Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Tara

16‐year‐old clerk to man buying tampons: Those for you? (snickers)
Tampon‐buying man: No, I have a wife. Don’t worry, one day when you are all grown up, you will need these too.

–Grocery Store, Virginia Beach, Virginia

Angry old lady in motorchair: Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been all over this side of the lake, on the ferry, to the other side and back across here lookin’ for you!
Bewildered old man in motorchair: I was over there lookin’ for you.
Angry old lady: Whatever! Just come on! [Speeds off.]Bewildered old man, scared: But wait for me!

–Epcot’s International Village, Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: bakerchica

Niece: I can’t find my underwear!
Uncle: Maybe it’s with my wedding ring.

–Rio Del Mar Beach, California

Woman, putting lotion on man’s back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years…
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you’re 40! Okay, now you’re scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I’d explain it to you but you wouldn’t understand.

–Fort De Soto Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Ishkabibble

Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We’re married. I don’t have to love her at all.

–Rafting Down Delaware River

Overheard by: twoferrets