Movies

Their Brains Are in a League of Their Own

Movie critic #1: You know that movie, with Tom Hanks, where he plays the drunk baseball player? And the women are the players because the men are gone?
Movie critic #2: Where?
Movie critic #3: To war.
Movie critic #2: So the women played baseball? That wasn’t a movie.
Movie critic #1: You know, the movie has that star that’s on TV. Bette Davis’ daughter.
Movie critic #3: Who?

Debate goes on for several minutes.

Movie critic #1: Wait, it’s Geena Davis! She’s Betty Davis’ daughter! See the resemblence in the eyes?
Movie critic #3: Didn’t Betty Davis hate Geena because she was tall?
Movie critic #1: Well, she got the part anyway, didn’t she? Geesh, I wish I could remember the name of that movie!

–Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts

Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don’t Find Out I’m Secretly Asian

Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who’s Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he’s not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is — he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?

–Carolina Beach, North Carolina

Arrrghhhh, Fiiire!

Stoned guy #1: Look at the moon, its all halfy and shit.
Stoned guy #2: You said it in a tone like you’re in a Frankenstein movie.

–Near the Cannal, Serbia

Overheard by: Uros Jovanovic

There Are So Few Drinking Songs

American #1: This local song, ‘Cachaca,’ is weird. Isn’t that the same word that they use for that booze? That’s like having a song just called, like, ‘Tequila’ or something.
American #2: … There is a song called ‘Tequila.’ It was in Pee‐wee’s Big Adventure.

–Salvador, Brazil

Overheard by: E. Vill. Genius

She’s Already Fast‐Forwarded the Kid Through Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and God

Young Boy: Mommy Mommy, they have Nemo in that fish tank!
Mom: Honey, Nemo’s dead.

–Antigua, the Caribbean

Overheard by: Ollie

Story Of My Life, Ma’am.

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven’t gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida

Guess She Can Act, Too

Friend #1: You know who’s really hot? Megan Fox.
Friend #2 (in nonchalant agreement): Yeah, she’s really hot. (more excitedly) You know who else is hot?
Friend #1: Who?
Friend #2: That brunette chick from the Transformers movie – damn.
Friend #1: Megan Fox?
Friend #2: Oh.

–Guarujá, São Paulo, Brazil

And Then She Loses Jewelry!

Girl to friend: Oh my god, the Titanic was so sad. Her true love is poor, and then he dies.

–Crane Beach, Massachusetts

And Then She Loses Jewelry!

Girl to friend: Oh my god, the Titanic was so sad. Her true love is poor, and then he dies.

–Crane Beach, Massachusetts

How Leslie Finagles Free Movies from Half the Guys in Cape May

Guy: Two for Wanted.
Pregnant girl: You don’t need to buy my ticket. I brought money.
Guy: It’s the least I could do, after knocking you up.
Pregnant girl: Good point.

–Cape May, New Jersey

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