Guys

Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'

Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You’re on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says ‘Come on in.’
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don’t. That’s what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I’ll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You’ll forget. Do it now. No one’s watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I’m going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.

–Destin, Florida

Only Kidding, Pookie – I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage

Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on… it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we’d be at the farmacia buying Cialis.

–Puerto Nuevo, Mexico

For God's Sake, I'm Starting to Think, Here!

Man, to himself: I wish we were back at the condo so I could watch tv. I can only sit here and watch nothing for so long.

–Fripp Island, South Carolina

Ad: "Are You Irish Sprung?"

Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.

–Santander, Spain

Overheard by: Murray

Miss Pussy Declares Her Independence

Girl: I’m so tired.
Boy: Well that’s because you were up all night having sex, and whose fault is that?
Girl: My vagina’s. I can’t control her.

–Bondi Beach, Australia

Overheard by: yellow mushroom

I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals

Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?

–Westhampton Beach, New York

Overheard by: Doesn't live there

Why Flare Guns Are So Popular in Canadia

Man #1, hanging up cell: By the volleyball net? You can't find anyone at this beach by telling them “I'm by the volleyball net.” That's like going downtown and telling someone “I'm by the pizza place.”
Man #2: Or, “I'm by the hobo.”

–Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia

Overheard by: Emimac

Another Fake Place

Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.

–Miami Beach

Or Worse, in the Crushing Boredom of Marriage

Guy #1: Man, just seeing all these couples together just makes it worse, you know?
Guy #2: Yeah, I hear you. I’m sorry…
Guy #1, shouting at passing couples: It’s all gonna end in tears!

–Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: Higgins

Drools a Lot, Though

Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, “my nipples don't argue.”
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.

–Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Overheard by: raerae

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