So God Does Play Dice With the Universe!

Girl: He gets so tan!
Guy: I tell you, you look at his hand and you’d think that man was black!
Girl: You know, his mom’s husband is black. That’s why we tease him about that so much.
Guy: Really? His step‐dad is black?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Wouldn’t you be pissed?
Girl: Yeah, well, his mom treats him like shit anyway.

Brief pause.

Girl: I’m rethinking the doctor thing.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, surgeon or oncologist or whatever I become. I wouldn’t be able to have a family.

–Rehoboth, Delaware

Overheard by: kristen

Posted on February 20, 2023
Delaware, Family, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health & Hygiene, Race, Stupidity, Sunbathing

The Question Is, Who’s Smelling It?

Daughter: Mom, why do you have to go to the bathroom already? We just went a few minutes ago!
Mother: I don’t know… I guess I’m like a dog, I have to leave my scent everywhere…

–Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Posted on February 18, 2023
Animals, Compare and contrast, Family, Moms, New Jersey, Pee

The Question Is, Who’s Smelling It?

Daughter: Mom, why do you have to go to the bathroom already? We just went a few minutes ago!
Mother: I don’t know… I guess I’m like a dog, I have to leave my scent everywhere…

–Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Posted on February 18, 2023
Animals, Compare and contrast, Family, Moms, New Jersey, Pee

From Cool Uncle to Creepy Uncle in Three Gimlets

Young boy: Your uncle peed on Mikey last night!

–Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California

Posted on January 20, 2023
California, Family, Gripes, Kids, Names, Pee

Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time

Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress‐eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?

–Bayville, New Jersey

Posted on January 18, 2023
Advice, Assholes, Body parts, Diet and Weight, Family, Girls, Insults, Moms, New Jersey

Let Me Guess– You’re Itching to Talk About It?

Little girl, running happily: Mom, dad!
Little boy: Guess what we caught!
Both, in perfect unison: Crabs!

–San Diego, California

Overheard by: the girl who received dirty looks from the parents for laughing

Posted on January 2, 2023
California, Family, Parents, Questions, Should've used a condom, STDs

Mom Rates Them on the Same Scale As Figure‐Skating

Lady in vehicle on cell: I mean, she wants to know everything, and it’s really getting annoying, I’m like “mom, Jesus Christ, hey, I took a shit today, you want to know if it floated or if it sank?”

–Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Elise

Posted on December 29, 2022
Family, Feelings, Florida, Ladies, On the phone, Poop, Questions

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Little boy: I don’t want to put on sunscreen!
Older sister: Do you want to look like a Nang?
Little boy: What?
Older sister: Well, that’s the thing about Nangs, they get burnt!

–Byron Bay, Australia