Woman: Can I rent a beach chair?
Lifeguard (just off duty on the last day of the season): Fuck you, dumb cunt.
–Panama City Beach, Florida
Woman: Can I rent a beach chair?
Lifeguard (just off duty on the last day of the season): Fuck you, dumb cunt.
–Panama City Beach, Florida
Lifeguard to wading mother: That girl is too small. She can't be out that far. She has to be within arm's length.
Mother: How far is arm's length?
–Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: hefferlump
Brooklyn kid pointing to training buoys: What are those big red things floating out there?
Lifeguard: Oh, that’s our shark fence.
Brooklyn kid: What?!
Lifeguard: Yeah, that’s our electric shark fence. It keeps the sharks out. Unless they were already in when we put it up — then they are stuck inside.
–New Jersey
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
–Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
Tourist: What time is high tide today?
Lifeguard: I think it's around 6:30.
Tourist: Why don't you just have it at the same time every day?
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Tourist: So, what’s on the other side of the lake?
Lifeguard: Ummm, that’s not a lake — that’s the Atlantic Ocean.
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
–Huntington Beach, California
Lifeguard, replacing new in-service flags: We should have flags with skull and crossbones on them. That way, when someone comes and asks what the flag is for we can say, “oh there's a 50% chance of a pirate attack, you probably want to leave the beach.”
–Huguenot Beach, Jacksonville, Florida
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
–Riis Park, New York
Lifeguard #1: So, what would you do if somebody came to you with a bat bite?
Lifeguard #2: Ummm… Clean up the wound, I guess.
Lifeguard #1: [Long pause] What would you do for someone with a clown bite?
–Echo Lake, Maine
