Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait ’til you see this!

–Fernandina Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Katred

Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I’ve got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!

–Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina

Tourist woman: You know, I heard this island is completely surrounded by water all the way around!

–Coco Cay, Bahamas

Overheard by: Shelley

Teenage Indian boy to friends running across hot sand: My people do this, so I should be able to also!

–Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: Rachel

Middle-aged guy #1: I’m gettin’ old, buddy.
Middle-aged guy #2: We’re all gettin’ old.
Middle-aged guy #1: Yeah, but first I was just gettin’ too tired to have sex, so I was jerkin’ off a lot. Now I’m too tired to even jerk off.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shut up. You’re getting me depressed.

–Boardwalk, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

Tween in one-piece: Amber’s parents let her wear a bikini.
Dad: But her parents love her.
Teen brother: No, they don’t. She’s just a 10-year-old slut.

–Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canadia

Overheard by: Jenny

Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?

–Parua Bay, New Zealand

Overheard by: naughtygurl

Daughter: Sorry I’m late.
Mom: That’s okay. We were playing ‘Tourist or not?’ with the passersby. Look — those two — obviously tourists.
Daughter: Oh, kinda like when I play ‘Jew or not?’ when I get bored.

–Ipanema, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Overheard by: Jew tourist

Tanned girl: That’s not tanning lotion. That’s brown paint.
Pale girl: Well, it cost me $80 so it better get me your color. Besides, it says Tahitian women have been using it for years!
Tanned girl: Yeah, and Tahitian women have been having syphilis for years, too.

–Sporting Beach Club, Beirut, Lebanon

Overheard by: Nicolien

Frat guy #1: So he was dating her for a whole month before he realized she was a tranny. Even had sex with her twice, no clue.
Frat guy #2: There's no way he didn't know!
Frat guy #1: Well, he was drunk. And you went out with her before he did, so who are you to talk?

–Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: The WC