Fat guy to wife who’s sunbathing on her stomach: Wow. You need to shave — you got some wild, stray hairs back there.
Wife: Say it louder, asshole.
–Rosemary Beach, Florida
Overheard by: She’s still hotter than you, pal
…I Mean, If We Knew Who He Was.
Mother: Stop flicking your ear.
Tween son: I can't. My ear is so awesome.
Mother: You're so retarded sometimes.
Tween son: Like dad?
–Orchard Beach, The Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Pinks
I'll Just Throw a Virgin Into the Volcano, Ma'am
Woman at outdoor restaurant, to waiter: Could you please turn down the air conditioning? I'm cold.
–Waikiki, Hawaii
Says So in the Brochure
Teenage girl: I can't wait to get a tattoo on my lower back.
Tween boy #1: Why would you want a tattoo there? How are you going to be able to see it?
Tween boy #2: It's not for her, stupid, it's for the dudes she lets do her in the butt doggy-style.
–St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: John
When the Doors of Perception are Cleansed, Man Will See Her Ass as It Truly is: Infinite
Woman: That bitch must have one of those fun house mirrors that she looks thin in, because that ass in that suit is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
–Playa Del Carmen, Mexico
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn’t Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
–Rockway Beach, NY
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You’re taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can’t be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
–Long Beach, New York
Worst. Facial. Ever.
Young boy: Don't fire the rocket launcher until I can go and get it! I'm already down to my third layer of skin, cuz the rest of it burned off!
–Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Narwhal
…Though I Guess the Cow Also Works.
Girl, handing beach towel to gay guy: Here. This one's for you cuz it's got fruit on it.
Gay guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the one with a bitch on it for you?
–Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
She's at the Great Beach in the Sky, Sweetie
Foreign single father: So, are you guys having fun at the beach?
Son: Actually, yeah — it’s fun.
Foreign single father: Next time, have positive attitude from the start.
Son: No, that was ’cause before when you said, ‘Let’s go to the beach,’ I thought we were gonna visit Mom.
–Lake Erie, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: native english speaker