Black girl with southern accent: If the world ends it’s dem negro’s fault.
–Tampa, Florida
It’s French for “Goes Directly to Your Thighs”
Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can’t have sugar! (pause) What is “creme brulee,” anyways?
–Huntington Beach, California
Such a Small Area, So Many Problems
20-something girl #1, coming out of water: Oh my god! I got stage fright, I couldn’t go.
20-something girl #2: Oh, there’s Danielle!! (points down to beach)
20-something girl #1: As soon as she gets here we’re going back in, I have to pee so badly!
20-something girl #2: Hey, Danielle!
Danielle: Ohmigod, you guys! My herpes burns so badly!
(all three walks into water)
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Sweedie
Faster Than a Golden Calf. Stronger Than All 12 Plagues…
“Jews for Jesus” guy: You like Superman? Take this pamphlet. Read it with all your friends. It will be story time!
Hands out pamphlet that metaphorically describes Jesus as Superman.
Girl: I didn’t realize Jews worshipped Superman.
–Jones Beach, New York
I Don’t Care What Anybody Says — Paint Is a Food
Six-year-old boy: I had to take a second year of kindergarten.
Dad: Just like your old man.
–Point Lookout Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
… I Got Better
Beach bunny #1: I totally slept with Brandon last night.
Beach bunny #2: How was it?
Beach bunny #1: Awesome. He was so fucking huge he, like, broke my vagina.
Beach bunny #2: Damn. That’s saying a lot.
Beach bunny #1, happily: I know! I’m a total whore!
–Del Mar Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Brandon stole my girlfriend
Even the Purple Monkeys in the Corner Lack the Energy They Once Had
Stoner dude: Hey, man, I’m about to get me one a’ them blunts!
Stoner friend: Ah! I don’t smoke anymore.
Stoner dude: What?! Maaaan, why’s everyone gotta be all tired n’ shit?
–Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Brittany M.
Can Ground Pigs’ Rectum Ever Really Spoil?
Chick #1: Do you want your sandwich?
Chick #2: Nah, it hasn’t been refrigerated.
Chick #1: Well, it’s just lunch meat, it’s not real meat anyways.
Chick #2: Yea…
–Lake Tahoe, California
That’s How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
–Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
What Happens When You Watch the Discovery Channel While High
Bro to another: It’s the government, bro. They’re putting LSD in our oceans.
–Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: mar
