Preppy girl: Just close your eyes and envision me as a black lab puppy.
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Have You Tried Blackmail?
Girl #1, looking at fake sex pills: You should get him this one: “One Large Dose of Lovin’.“
Girl #2: Bitch, it’s going to take more than some candy to get him to fuck me!
–Novelty shop, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
But Only at First
Short girl: I would make a really awkward stripper.
Taller girl: Ummm… What?
Short girl: No, seriously! Like, think about it — if I was up there stripping, I would be like half the size of all the other girls… My head would be in the same spot as their, you know… And that’s awkward.
–Bayfront, Hamilton, Ontario, Canadia
He’ll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It’s my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, ’cause I’m not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
–Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
She Thinks the War in Iraq Is Just Darling
Woman #1: Oh my goodness, you should see your daughter! It looks like she’s been stabbed; it’s the cutest thing.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yes! She’s been eating cherries, and the juice has run all down her front and all over her hands. It looks like she has blood all over her–it’s adorable!
–Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
They Go to Nude Country Clubs
Naked guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked chick: Why?
Naked guy: No Republicans.
–Field 5, Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Stila
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Old black lady finishes pooping and flushes: Oh, thank you, Jesus! [Hums gospel tune.]
–Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lauren
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
…Aiight?
Scrawny brunette girl to friend: When you ‘ask’ someone, you have a question. When you ‘axe’ someone, you introduce a hatchet to their face.
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Jonathan Richman: Hey, He Was Never Called an Asshole!
Skater punk to another: Dude, seriously, fuck Picasso.
–Venice Beach, California
