Why It’s Better to Eat Vegetables

Girl: What is that?!
Guy, flipping it over: Oh my God. Are those eye sockets?
Girl: Ewww. That’s no jellyfish.
Guy: It looks like an alligator head.
Girl: But alligators aren’t in salt water. Maybe it got lost?
Guy: Look it has a…spine?
Girl: But a head wouldn’t have a-
Woman sitting nearby: ‑It’s a chicken breast. I just threw it out.
Girl and Guy: Oh.

–St. Augustine, Florida

Overheard by: Cristen

From Etymology to Racism in One Easy Step

Rich lady with yappy dog: Well, ‘Caucasian’ has ‘Asian’ in it. Then again, there’s a ‘turd’ in every ‘Saturday.’

–Golden Gardens Park, Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Disturbed

I Tried to Solve Both Problems by Eating Her

Big man: No, I never blamed my wife for me being fat. I blame her for me being a nympho… Not for being fat, though…

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

I Told You to Stop Wearing Your Father’s Clothes!

Small child: Mama, I have crabs in my shorts!

–Panama City Beach, Florida

Overheard by: People Watcher

No, Honey, When Daddy Said He Had Immunity, It Was Because He Testified

Little girl: I’m Italian, so I don’t get sick.

–Mashpee, Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Jill

…Aiight?

Scrawny brunette girl to friend: When you ‘ask’ someone, you have a question. When you ‘axe’ someone, you introduce a hatchet to their face.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Magic Elves Can’t Spell for Shit

Mother to child: What?! Is this writing on your arm? Oh, no…don’t say you don’t know! Tell me: was it a little magic elf that did this to you?! Was it?!

–Sasco Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut

Overheard by: halliefaith

Now in My Dotage, I Find Myself Embittered and Alone

12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!

–Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia

The Pink Sombrero was Both a Clue and a Red Herring

Teen girl #1: Was he gay?
Teen girl #2: No, he was Mexican.

–Lavallette, New Jersey

They’re Trying to Imagine a Black Dude, Obviously

Queer #1: Charles, look, there’s another one. He’s white, and the other looks Asian.

Holds up large signs that say “6” and “4,” respectively.

Queer #2: Definitely!
Queer #1: Oh, wow. Look at this one. Latino. Yummmm!

Holds up sign that says “9.”

Queer #2: Oh, yes. Totally!
Straight girl, walking by: What are you two doing? Comparing guys’ looks?
Queer #1: Uhh…
Queer #2: Breeder, please. The Asian guy is a 4, the white guy is a 6, and the Latino guy a 9. What do you think we’re trying to imagine?

–Sunset Beach, Florida

Overheard by: MangoJoe