Reminds Me of That Time I Had That Tommy Lee Dream

Housemate: So, last night I was so high on acid that I thought the whole beach was made of cocaine, and now I can’t breathe.

–Brazil

Overheard by: living with morons

Girl running along shore: Smoke weed every day!
Black lady on beach blanket: Hallelujah! Come here, baby!

Girl runs to black lady, who stands and hugs her and kisses her.

Black lady: Smoke weed, God bless you!

–Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Overheard by: t-money

Surfer: It’s questions like these that you have to look to the Bible for answers. Like, what would Jesus do in a line-up like this? He’d fuck people up, that’s what He’d do!

–Shell Beach, California

Overheard by: One of the masses in the line up

Underage girl #1: Yeah, but I’m not going to feel okay using my ID if everyone here is from Ohio. They’re going to know it’s fake.
Underage girl #2: Shhh… There’s people in here.
Underage girl #1: I don’t care.
Girl in stall, coming out to wash hands: I know what you guys mean about the Ohio thing. Minivans… I just moved here from New York.
Underage girl #1: Oh?
Girl from stall: I hate it here. I just had a baby. He’s three months old, without a father…
Underage girl #2: Oh my god. I’m so sorry…
Girl from stall: Then my dad left us. He left our family after 25 years. He left us all behind.
Underage girl #1: Oh, uh…
Girl from stall: It’s alright. Have a nice night.

–Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: Awkward…

Mom to 13-year-old son: What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born this stupid?

–Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Overheard by: bonzo

Blonde: … So as soon as we got home from spring break I told my boyfriend that I had sex with Brad on the beach.
Friend: Oh my gosh! What did your boyfriend do?!
Blonde: He said, ‘I guess we’re not riding in Brad’s limo for prom.’
Friend: What’s wrong with Brad’s limo?!

–St. Augustine beach, Florida

Teen girl: My shorts are expanding like a tampon!

–Jones Beach, New York

Chubby eight-year-old boy, walking and kicking sand up with his feet: Woah! Ma! Look at this! They've even got real sand here!
Exasperated mom, clutching French fries: No shit! It's real sand! Buying fake sand would be dumb. Everyone would steal it.

–The Bahamas

Overheard by: Fake sand maker

Stoned nerd (talking about his sub order): I've got six inches!
Stoned girl: Lucky. I got the lesbian choice, a fuckin' sandwich. Cuz the sandwich is like a vagina and the sub is like a dick, ya know?
Stoned nerd: No, I totally understand. And I'm okay with that.

–Wawa, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Fake tanned, bleach blonde woman loudly into phone: I mean, have you seen Alice lately? Forget the Brazilian wax, she needs to have the whole South American!

–Manly Beach, Sydney

Overheard by: anotherpassenger