30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is “u.” –Pacific Beach, California
NewsFlash: "Whence" Makes Comeback. Film at 11.
20-something male, chasing after another with driftwood: Go back to the sea from whence you came! –Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert — with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they’re just tan. They’re all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It’s like I’m healing the world.
–Miami, Florida
If You Had a Really Good Telescope, You Could See Our Backs
Drunk wedding guest: Hey, cool! I wonder what bay that is…
Sober guest: Uh, that’s the Atlantic Ocean.
Drunken wedding guest: Are you sure? It looks too calm to be an ocean.
Sober guest: We’re as far East as you can get in New Jersey. That’s the ocean.
Drunken wedding guest: I think it’s some sort of bay.
Sober guest: There’s no land on the other side! It’s the ocean!
–Sea Bright, New Jersey
Overheard by: I looked at the map
Because She's Already Too Smart For Cornell
Dad: What grows in the marsh, baby?
Little girl: Marshmallows?
Dad, to mom: You want her to go to what college?
–Tybee Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Sullivan
Great White Ones!
Little black kid: Why can't we go in the pool?
Friend: What pool? That ain't no pool, nigga, it's got sharks in it!
–Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
You'd Think It'd Come Out Along with the Condom
Teen boy: Let’s go back in the water since I have sand in my ass. –San Clemente Beach, California Overheard by: Wanted to kill this kid
What Happens When New York Kids Are Exposed to Direct Sunlight
Mom, pushing crying three-year-old: You cannot cry here! Wait till we get back to New York, where it s snowing, to cry! –Isla Verde, San Juan, Puerto Rico Overheard by: i wanna cry too!
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
–St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
…And We're Coming from a Paula Abdul Tribute Concert.
Girl wearing bikini to group of girls wearing chunky sneakers, shorts with suspenders and bedazzled tank tops: Why are you guys wearing that?
Girl in group, nonchalantly: Cuz' we lookin' swagalicious.
–St. Joseph, Michigan