Tourist mom: Can you rent a boat at the lake down there?
Employee: Um, no. And that’s the Pacific ocean.

–Coffee Shop, Carmel Beach, California

Flight attendant: Welcome to Acapulco, where the local time is party time.

–Plane Landing in Acapulco, Mexico

Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I’ve got a fucking five‐year‐old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!

–The Hamptons, New York

Hick tourist, pointing to the ocean: So is that there salt water?
Island Beach State Park worker, after long confused pause: It’s the ocean.
Hick tourist: Yeah, but does it like, have salt in it?

–Island Beach State Park, New Jersey

Overheard by: sick of bennies

Cute guy, about credit card: Yeah, sorry it’s bent. I jumped off the bridge.
Clerk girl: You jumped off the bridge, huh? Yeah, it’s better if you do it naked.

–7‑Eleven, Manteo, North Carolina

Bell boy: I applied to be a dancer on a cruise ship, and I totally had the body for it. I had a six pack, borderline eight pack. Plus, I have a mango dick. What am I supposed to do with that now?

–Honolulu, Hawaii

Tour coach driver, gesturing to McDonald’s restaurant further down the road: Aaaaand coming up ahead are the golden arches of the American embassy.

–TehanuNui, Nelson, New Zealand

Overheard by: Makenzie

Hairdresser to client: Hey… Um… Remember when I did your hair?
Client: Yeah?
Hairdresser: Wait, you were there, right?
Client: Yeah babe, I was there.

–Venice Beach, California

Teen Girl: I can’t eat this ice cream.
Bruster’s Employee: Why not?
Teen Girl: Because it’s frozen in the middle.
Bruster’s Employee: It’s ice cream.
Teen Girl: I know, but it’s frozen in the middle and I can’t eat it.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Shuttle driver over loudspeaker: You can sit anywhere you like, they’re all equally uncomfortable.

–Key West, Florida