Health & Hygiene

Tan chick: But if we go to the spa, I don’t want them to facial my tan away!

–Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts

Overheard by: hb

Woman standing waist‐deep in water: My labia has atrophied.

–Crescent Lake, Washington

Overheard by: The water really was that cold.

Vendor: Hey, buy some pizza!
Chick: I don’t like bread.
Vendor: Then just eat the cheese!
Chick: I’m lactose‐intolerant.
Vendor: Fro-zen yo-gurt!

–Venice Beach, California

Trendy Asian chick: I’ve seen a lot of transvestites in my day, but only one with a beard.
Old, well‐dressed Mexican man: He must have forgotten to shave.

–Newport Beach, California

Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I’m sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I’m a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it’s good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I’m sure it can’t.
Guy: Well then, how ’bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?

–Nahant Beach, Massachusetts

Excessively tan man: I don’t trust SPF 14 anyway.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: Jo

Lifeguard #1: So, what would you do if somebody came to you with a bat bite?
Lifeguard #2: Ummm… Clean up the wound, I guess.
Lifeguard #1: [Long pause] What would you do for someone with a clown bite?

–Echo Lake, Maine

Queer: It turns out sleeping with a deaf guy is awesome!

–Penn’s Landing, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Chris Newcomer

Little girl: Mommy, what’s that red stuff in your bathing suit?

–Public bathroom, Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: Arya

Male: Your kid is eating the sunscreen.
Female: It’s okay, he’s bright on the inside. It’s good for him.

–Pacific Beach, California