Drunk mother #1: I met him at a bar. He looked like George Clooney… But we’ll see.
Drunk mother #2: Wait, aren’t you dating someone?
Drunk mother #1: Not anymore. He just doesn’t know it yet.

–Daytona Beach, Florida

Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.

–Santander, Spain

Overheard by: Murray

Really loud fat lady: Fat old guys drive nice cars to get with the young pretty girls.

–Public parking lot, Seaside, Oregon

Overheard by: Drewlicious 

Guy: Look, Jen — I’ll fuck you, I’ll spank you, I’ll tie you up, and I’ll piss on you, but I am not getting back into a relationship with you.

–Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia

Girl: Can you tell me why you’re pissing on the sand?
Guy: We’re in Jersey.
Girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Jersey’s dirty. It’s your duty as an American to fuckin’ keep it that way, bitch.

–Merivale Avenue, Beach Haven, New Jersey

Overheard by: Snow White

Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you’re an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!

–Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia

Seven‐year‐old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It’s time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear — I’m starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].

–21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland

Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress‐eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?

–Bayville, New Jersey

40‐something guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Chick in bikini: Oh, I have a long list of things…
40‐something guy: Stripper?
Chick in bikini, hardly offended: Do I look like I have the body of a stripper?
40‐something guy: That’s why I asked.

–Palm Beach, Florida

Man: Get rid of your mustache, and then worry about the Brazilian.
Woman: Get some hair on your head, and then go fuck yourself.

–Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: Mike