Sex

You Know — He Was Married to Florence Henderson, Had Six Kids and a Maid…

Girl #1: And so I told him, ‘You don’t really look Tom Brady.’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, I’m hotter than he is.’ Yeah, this is why I don’t usually listen to him talk.
Girl #2: Oh, I know. He’s retarded, but he’s such a nice piece of ass.
Girl #1: Definitely. But I’d still take Tom Brady any day, right?
Girl #2: Wait, didn’t they replace him?
Girl #1: He’s one of their best players! Why would they do that?
Girl #2: The news anchor? Who are you talking about?
Girl #1: You mean Tom Brokaw?
Girl #2: Oh. Who’s Tom Brady?

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Overheard by: Mary

Honey, They Know We Have Sex!

B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That’s why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I’m glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!

–Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas

…Is This Milkshake in My Ears??

Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh… What?
Girl: Oh. Uh… what?

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: tner

If Only There Was a Way We Could Both Get What We Want

Woman #1: Now you see that dude right there? That one in the green swim trunks.
Woman #2: Okaaaaay, yeah, I see him. The one with the red hair that's skimboarding?
Woman #1: Yeah, him. Now, I would so hook up with him. Look at those abs. Don't you just wanna run your hands all over him?
Girl slathered in tanning oil, staring at them: That's my boyfriend.
Woman #2: Oh. How long have you guys been going out?
Girl: Four months. What's it to you?
Woman #1: Just weighing our chances.
Girl: Chances of what?
Woman #2: Sleeping with him.
(girl makes disgusted noise and walks away).
Woman #2: Don' t worry, Shar. She's hideous. We'll follow them when they leave and the next time they go to a club or something, we'll hunt him down and get what we want.
Woman #1: We always do. Wait…which one of us gets to sleep with him? (they glance at each other, saying nothing) I've got a bigger rack.

–Pismo Beach, California

Overheard by: Matilda

Loss of Virginity's Contagious

[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!

–Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!

Nerds Have Trouuble Losing Their Virginity; They Keep Taking Their Eyes Off the Prize

Drunk guy to others: Imagine how long it would take to fuck a spider. It would take ages!

–Dunedin, New Zealand

He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal

Guy #1: What I can’t understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official’s salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don’t have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won’t even use a bottle of ketchup if it’s already been opened.

–Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

When Shown an Issue of Maxim, He Discovered He Was Mistaken

Queer looking at screaming queer in water: Maybe I’m not gay.

–Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: laughing entirely too much

Last Time, You Ended Up Ball-Gagged and Handcuffed to a Llama

Girl #1: I mean, why would he register as a Republican only to vote in the primary?
Girl #2: Ugh… Gross! You are not allowed to fuck a Republican!

–UCSD, California

Overheard by: Holiday

A Sand Box, a Swing, and the Denver Broncos

Brunette teen: Last time I was here with Tony, we boned. He told me it was fun and romantic and everyone has to have sex on the beach once in their lives. It was the worst. I found sand in my ass for, like, two weeks.
Blonde teen: Ugh, I hate when that happens.
Brunette teen: What?
Blonde teen: It’s a long story, but it involves a sand box.

–Field 6, Jones Beach, New York

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