10‐year‐old boy to younger brother: All mother nature gave you is a bag of shit.

–North Padre, Texas

Crabby mom to sugared‐up five‐year‐old: Fine! Tell your daddy I said you were shark bait. Just please sit down or, I swear to God, you will be!

–South Padre Island, Texas

Overheard by: airwav

Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.

–South Padre Island, Texas

Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya’ll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That’s the Gulf of Mexico.

–Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas

Girl: I used to have a Shih‐Tzu. Cutest dog ever.
Boy: Yeah, my friend has one, and this Doberman mutt thing. It’s weird, ’cause they were playing with each other and its eyeball fell out.
Girl: What?!
Boy: Yeah. They took it to the vet and he was like, ‘Oh, yeah, that happens a lot.’

–Lake Conroe, Texas

Girl #1: Whenever I go to Europe I just say I’m Canadian and they don’t get weird like they do if you say you’re American.
Girl #2: No way I’m claiming to be Canadian! Have you talked to those people?

–Austin, Texas

Man: What’s with the safety pin holding your top together?
Flat‐chested girl: Oh, you know, my boobs are just so big that my top busted! [Man bursts out laughing.] Okay, it wasn’t that funny…

–South Padre Island, Texas

Overheard by: gal in black

Girl: I’m trying to learn some Spanish before we go to Puerto Rico in May.
Guy: I took two years of French in high school, and all I can say is ‘Donde esta la biblioteca.’

–Mexican restaurant, Kemah, Texas

30 something guy standing at bar: So she asked me if I had ever slept with a stripper.
Friend: What did you say?
30 something guy: I told her the truth… I said “yeah, I slept with a stripper, of course.”

–Austin, Texas

Sorority girl: He’s fucking GAY! How the fuck am I supposed to fuck a fucking gay guy?!

–Galveston, Texas