Lady in vehicle on cell: I mean, she wants to know everything, and it’s really getting annoying, I’m like “mom, Jesus Christ, hey, I took a shit today, you want to know if it floated or if it sank?”

–Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Elise

Man to family: You should have seen her! She was pooping sandcastles!

–Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: Chris

Man to wife and daughter: Hey! I’ve shat my pants before and it really wasn’t that bad, so I’d be willing to do it again.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

20‐something college guy: So he was getting the anal beads pulled out, coming at the same time, and he shat all over this girl’s couch.
20‐something college girl: Well then what did he do?
20‐something college guy: I dunno, he probably wiped his ass and left…

–Casino Beach, Pensacola, Florida

Dude #1: So, apparently he died from consumption.
Dude #2: Oh, man, I would hate to die from constipation… I think I almost did, once.
Dude #3: Is that what happens when you get tuberculosis?

–Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Juan Dude

Old black lady finishes pooping and flushes: Oh, thank you, Jesus! [Hums gospel tune.] 

–Miami Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Lauren

Kid, skateboarding in parking lot next door: I think those gummy worms gave me diarrhea.

–Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: Jen

Girl #1: Look at that guy!
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: The one with the white thong!
Girl #2: [80‐year‐old guy bends over to pick up shell.] Look! The thong’s not white there!
Girl #1: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

–Daytona Beach, Florida

Surfer dude to flabby, uninterested friend: Are you seeing this? That seagull is frickin’ staring me down. Look at him. Are you looking at him? He’s giving me the eye. That motherfucker is going to shit on me at some point today, and he wants me to know it.

–Ocean Beach, California

Five‐year‐old (yelling across beach: Mommy, if you pooped out a baby, would I faint?

–Ocean Beach III, New Jersey