Girl on the beach: The sand is burning my feet, and I love it!
Friend: There's bird crap on my beach chair, and I love it!

–Sanibel Island, Florida

Hobo to lifeguard: Yeah, I pooped here. Twice, actually. Once right there, and once right there.

–Pacifica, California

Man outside single bathroom door: Wolf breath, what are you doing in there?
Woman, from inside bathroom: What the fuck do you think I'm doing in here? What the fuck do you do in the bathroom?
Man outside bathroom: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli

Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I’ve got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!

–Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina

Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn’t eat them, I think they came out of someone’s rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!

–Florence, Oregon

Overheard by: Johm

Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!

–Sunset Beach, North Carolina

Overheard by: Emma

Four-year-old girl, dropping cracker on the floor: Oh, shit!
Mother: Um…no, honey. Not here.

–Steamship Authority Martha's Vineyard Ferry, Massachusetts