Daughter, holding crab: Oh, daddy, it’s so cute. Can I keep it?
Father: No, honey, it’s too small.
Daughter: No, daddy, I want it for a pet.
Father: It has to live in the ocean, honey. We have to let it go.
Daughter: But, daddy, I love it. Can’t I keep it?
Father: No, baby.
Daughter: Daddy?
Father: Yes, honey?
Daughter: Can I step on it?
–Goleta Beach, California
Daughter, holding crab: Oh, daddy, it’s so cute. Can I keep it?
Father: No, honey, it’s too small.
Daughter: No, daddy, I want it for a pet.
Father: It has to live in the ocean, honey. We have to let it go.
Daughter: But, daddy, I love it. Can’t I keep it?
Father: No, baby.
Daughter: Daddy?
Father: Yes, honey?
Daughter: Can I step on it?
–Goleta Beach, California
Teenage girl #1: Wait, if there's a Mrs. Claus and Santa, then how come he doesn't have any kids?
Teenage girl #2: Well, all the children in the world are his kids.
Teenage girl #1: Santa's kind of a pedophile if you think about it. Like, I'll sneak into your house and give you presents if you love me.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, ew.
–Misquamicit Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Amanda
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
–Riis Park, New York
Dumb blonde: It's not “labia Menorah”?
Friend: No, that's the Jewish thing.
Dumb blonde: So what is it then?
–Siesta Key, Florida
Guy #1: What happened to the girl you were seeing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me because I had too much baggage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with depression that was hooked on painkillers and ecstasy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You’re a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this conversation.
–Pacific Beach, California
Friend: Mmm! Sharice, that smells good! What’d you spray?
Sharice: Girl, it ain’t no spray.
Friend: What is it?
Sharice (very loudly): Mah pussayyy, bitch!
–Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Suzanne
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
–Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Lady #1: They could have been Koreans.
Lady #2: But they count, don't they?
–Cape Cod Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Nancy and Andrea
Girl: I'm such a Jew when it comes to…
Boy, exasperated: Why can't you just say “frugal”?!
–Atlantic City, New Jersey
