On the phone

Young male Australian tourist on cell: We’ve already been to a service station and a McDonald’s, which is different.

–Rotorua, New Zealand

Overheard by: exactly how different to McDonald’s in Australia?

Lady in vehicle on cell: I mean, she wants to know everything, and it’s really getting annoying, I’m like “mom, Jesus Christ, hey, I took a shit today, you want to know if it floated or if it sank?”

–Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Elise

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven’t gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida

Women on cell walking down a 2‑mile beach: I am right by the water. Where are you?

–Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Antzolino

Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight… that sounds good… I won’t do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?

–Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York

Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight… that sounds good… I won’t do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?

–Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York

Over‐dressed and self‐important guy on cell: No, no, it was some sort of implement she was calling us… No… Rubber? A douchebag? I’ve heard that before.

–Pacific Palisades, California

Overheard by: ear of the betafish

Girl on cell: Don’t be worried! Incest is totally in this season.

–Tampa, Florida

Drunk guy in line on cell: I don’t see any rubbers here, so are you okay with “pull & pray?” (pause) You know I’m not gonna pull out, right?

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: I really hope they don’t procreate…

Drunk guy in line on cell: I don’t see any rubbers here, so are you okay with “pull & pray?” (pause) You know I’m not gonna pull out, right?

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: I really hope they don’t procreate…