On the phone

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven't gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida

Women on cell walking down a 2-mile beach: I am right by the water. Where are you?

–Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Antzolino

Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight… that sounds good… I won’t do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?

–Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York

Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight… that sounds good… I won’t do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?

–Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York

Over-dressed and self-important guy on cell: No, no, it was some sort of implement she was calling us… No… Rubber? A douchebag? I’ve heard that before.

–Pacific Palisades, California

Overheard by: ear of the betafish

Girl on cell: Don't be worried! Incest is totally in this season.

–Tampa, Florida

Drunk guy in line on cell: I don't see any rubbers here, so are you okay with “pull & pray?” (pause) You know I'm not gonna pull out, right?

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: I really hope they don't procreate…

Drunk guy in line on cell: I don't see any rubbers here, so are you okay with “pull & pray?” (pause) You know I'm not gonna pull out, right?

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: I really hope they don't procreate…

Man on cell: We met at a bar and went on one date… You don’t even know me! You haven’t even seen my MySpace page!

–Clearwater Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Greg

Girl on cell: Dude, you could buy a whole bag full of dildos, and he would never know.

–Oceanside, California

Overheard by: groovychica