Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time

Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?

–Bayville, New Jersey

Posted on January 18, 2023
Advice, Assholes, Body parts, Diet and Weight, Family, Girls, Insults, Moms, New Jersey

I'll Need a Ruler, Some Lotion, and a Box of Tissues

Girl: Check out that guy’s package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He’s huge.
Guy: Damn. You’re right. I’m embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I’m going to the bathroom.

–Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Rob

Posted on January 14, 2023
Advice, Compliments, Girls, Guys, Homosexuality, New York, Penis

He Needs a 4-Hour Briefing Before She Can Take Him Out of the House

Mom to little boy: Now, don’t touch other people’s eyeballs.

–St. Simons Island, Georgia

Posted on January 7, 2023
Advice, Body parts, Georgia, Moms

Communism Is Difficult to Swallow

Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!

–Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Posted on December 5, 2022
Advice, Dads, New York

Clearly You've Never Been Around Dogs

Teen girl to teen boy: Well, it ain't gonna lick itself!

–Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Posted on November 30, 2022
Advice, New Jersey, Sensory Experiences, Teens, Weirdness

Mob Enforcers Start Training Early

Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit’ his mouth.

–Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey

Posted on November 28, 2022
Advice, Default, Family, Gripes, Kids, Moms, New Jersey, Questions

How Much Less?

Junk jewelry salesman: Come on in here and see our stuff, señorita! We rip you off less!

Overheard by: tee

–Open air market, Tijuana

Posted on November 18, 2022
Advice, Mexico, Money, Shopping, Vendors

Which Anniversary Is the Coors Anniversary Again?

Guy selling beer: Ladies, if your man won't buy you a beer he ain't gonna buy you anything else!
Same guy selling beer, an hour later: If you don't drink beer, you're gonna die!

–Brighton Beach, New York

Overheard by: Ramen

Posted on November 2, 2022
Advice, Business, Death, Drinking, Drunks, Lies, New York, Offers and requests, Shopping, Threats, Vendors

Subtle Childrearing Is Very Hard to Pull Off

Hysterical mom to toddler in bathroom stall: Goddamit Jeffrey, stop trying to pull it off and just piss out of it!

–Bathroom Stall, Mall, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws

Posted on October 29, 2022
Advice, Body parts, Florida, Moms, Pee

Want Some Pot?

Camp counselor: Hurry up, or you’ll be left behind!
Kid: Then I’d get to stay here. Awesome!
Camp counselor: Frankly, it’s my last day, so I really don’t care.

–Third Beach, Newport, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Bored Beyond the Beach

Posted on October 21, 2022
Advice, Comebacks, Default, Jobs & careers, Kids, Rhode Island, Teachers/Professors, Time, Wishes

Advice