Girl: Well, you get like half his money when you divorce!…And he’s in med school now. Alls I’m sayin’ is you should wait a few years.

–Folly Beach, South Carolina

Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?

–Bayville, New Jersey

Girl: Check out that guy’s package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He’s huge.
Guy: Damn. You’re right. I’m embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I’m going to the bathroom.

–Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Rob

Mom to little boy: Now, don’t touch other people’s eyeballs.

–St. Simons Island, Georgia

Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!

–Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Teen girl to teen boy: Well, it ain't gonna lick itself!

–Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit’ his mouth.

–Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey

Junk jewelry salesman: Come on in here and see our stuff, señorita! We rip you off less!

Overheard by: tee

–Open air market, Tijuana

Guy selling beer: Ladies, if your man won't buy you a beer he ain't gonna buy you anything else!
Same guy selling beer, an hour later: If you don't drink beer, you're gonna die!

–Brighton Beach, New York

Overheard by: Ramen

Hysterical mom to toddler in bathroom stall: Goddamit Jeffrey, stop trying to pull it off and just piss out of it!

–Bathroom Stall, Mall, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws