Advice

Tween: The cute ones are not nice, the nice ones are not cute, and the cute & nice ones are gay.

–Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Trixie

Concerned granny: You have to get a fruit and a vegetable.
Porky grandson: Candy corn is a vegetable!

–Buffet Restaurant, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws

Four-year-old boy, winding up long conversation: And so that's why spiders live in your eyeballs. They play in the blood and love to drink dirty water. (pause) Can I have a snack?

–Santa Barbara, California

Little boy: That’s a man’s weak spot!
Father: I don’t care how old he is. If I were you, even if he were 18, I’d punch him!

–Belmar, New Jersey

Overheard by: em-elia

Guy to son, pouring Hawaiian punch into kids cup: Boy, you gonna be pissin' tonight!

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Sandwich

Girl #1: Ew, don’t swim in the water.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: ‘Cause fish have sex in it. Do you want to swallow fish sperm?

–Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Izzie

Walking vendor: Oh, I know you! I fucked your sister on your front lawn! Your parents have a really bad grub problem. They should take care of that.

–Charlestown, Rhode Island

Woman: I really hate diets. I mean, I guess I could start smoking. But isn't that bad for your lungs or something?

–Santa Barbara, California

Overheard by: something like that

Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?

–Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana

Overheard by: Breet

Mother: Remember: when you have to use the bathroom at the beach, you go in the water, right?
Toddler: Okay, mommy.

–East Hampton, New York

Overheard by: I'll never swim again