Lies

Mom in bikini: She's had an on-and-off boyfriend since september, and it's been nothing but drama. I'm trying to get her to stop answering his calls. He's trouble. He overdosed in October and he hasn't passed a class in four years. One time he called her cell phone from a number that wasn't his, and she asked whose phone he was calling from, and he said, “your house phone.” He sneaked into our house when no one was home!
Mom in one-piece: Maybe you should think about a restraining order.
Mom in bikini: Well…
(phone rings: it's the daughter)
Mom in bikini: No! I told you not to answer his calls! And do not call him back! If you call him back, his mother will go to the police! She called me today and told me they're thinking about taking out a restraining order against you!

–Belmar, New Jersey

Cop: All right, what’s in the cup?
Young guy: Uh, beer.
Cop: I asked you what’s in the cup. Now give it to me.
Young guy: I just told you, it’s beer!
Cop: You do know it’s illegal to be drinking on the boardwalk, right?
Young guy: It’s soda.
Cop: It’s beer. Give it to me.
Young guy: No! It’s mine!

Young guy runs off with cup.

–Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Overheard by: also kinda drunk

Boat captain: C’mon, we have to go. The tide’s coming in and the island’s gonna sink!
Gullible tourist: Okay.
(soon the tourist sees the island disappearing behind them on the horizon as the boat goes back to port)
Gullible tourist: You’re right! It’s sinking!

–Boat Tour, Hawaii

Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.

–Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: debbie downer

Teen boy #1: I think those girls look 14.
Teen boy #2: No, dude, they gotta be 16.
Teen boy #1: I am telling them I am 20.
Teen boy #2: I am 17.
Teen boy #1: No, dude, you got to use your fake age.
Teen boy #2: Man, that’s why you got game.

–Foster Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Jinx

Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You’re on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says ‘Come on in.’
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don’t. That’s what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I’ll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You’ll forget. Do it now. No one’s watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I’m going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.

–Destin, Florida

Dirty surfer to disinterested hippie girl: I mean, I do something for the military that nobody else does, no one has ever been able to do. It's tracking a submarine, underwater, tracking exactly where it is and where it goes, without using sonar, or any technology, or detection devices. They don't know how I do it, and I won't tell them, but I do it. I've won awards for it.

–Ala Moana Blvd. honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.

–Miami Beach

Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, “my nipples don't argue.”
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.

–Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Overheard by: raerae

Girl #1: What do you say when people ask about me?
Girl #2: “She's a narcissistic freak.”
Girl #1: What kind of narcissist am I?
Girl #2: (stares blankly)
Girl #1: A pretty oneee.
Girl #2: You want me to lie to you?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Just kidding–you're not not pretty.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You're saying I'm not ugly but I'm not pretty.
Girl #2: You're in limbo between pretty and ugly, so being mean to me makes you ugly.

–Kure Beach, North Carolina

Overheard by: Bee