Swimming

Chubby, bald man to female friends: They should really put mirrors on the beach, facing out towards the water, so you can watch yourself in the ocean… No, not mirrors, JumboTrons! I would love to watch myself on a giant tv while I swim!

–Kure Beach, North Carolina

Little girl to friend, after being put back into standing position by a wave: Haha! That wave just knocked me up!

–Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

Lifeguard: Yo! The beach ain't no good! I said the beach ain't no good today! (sees attractive woman walking toward the beach) Hey there, listen, the beach isn't good today, okay?

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Nikki

Girl to friend: Swimming without lifeguards is awesome. There's nobody to say, “hey, no splash fights”, or “you can't have that fifth of vodka in the water!”

–Madison Beach, Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Also Drinking

Little girl in an excited hush: It looks like the desert… It even has lumps like the desert!

–Williamstown beach, Melbourne, Australia

Hobo to lifeguard: Yeah, I pooped here. Twice, actually. Once right there, and once right there.

–Pacifica, California

Mother, to little boy refusing to wear swimmies: Fine, I guess you can go drown. Say bye bye to mommy. [Little boy breaks into hysterics.]

–Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Leigh

Random passer-by: Have you seen Shark Week? I'm not going in there!

–Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: Anna

Tween girl: Look I can float, and I don’t have big boobs!

–Manasquan Beach, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jenn