Should've used a condom

Little girl, running happily: Mom, dad!
Little boy: Guess what we caught!
Both, in perfect unison: Crabs!

–San Diego, California

Overheard by: the girl who received dirty looks from the parents for laughing

Dad, about bald passerby: That guy is really bald!
Daughter: Dad, you have more hair on your butt than your head.

–Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Ryan

Eight‐year‐old boy to valet fetching a car outside a fancy restaurant: You run like an idiot!
Mom: Quiet, dear, he is just a car parking guy.

–Palm Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Ashley

Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I’ve got a fucking five‐year‐old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!

–The Hamptons, New York

Young kid: Awww look, you were right. Now I don’t get to punch you. 

–Vero Beach, Florida

Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can’t have sugar! (pause) What is “creme brulee,” anyways?

–Huntington Beach, California

Mom (exasperatedly): Come on children, you guys going to give me heart failure!
Six‐year‐old: You going to give yourself heart failure, cause you wouldn’t leave us alone.

–Bridgetown, Barbados

Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you’re in the water, you’re gonna die!

–Pawley’s Island, South Carolina

Overheard by: Running for Cover

Mother, holding one son in the ocean and calling another on shore: See? The water’s fantastic. You have nothing to worry about.
Four‐year‐old son, crying: I don’t want to die here!

–Palm Beach, Aruba

Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn’t have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin’ someone in the ding‐dong ain’t gonna kill them.
Man: It might.

–Destin, Florida