American tourist, to black islander carving a sculpture from a log: You people are so talented!
–Straw Market, Nassau, Bahamas
Overheard by: Dumbfounded Tourist
At the Stupid Human Tricks Semifinals
Man to family: You should have seen her! She was pooping sandcastles!
–Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chris
How the Johnson Family Bankrupted Frito-Lay
Mom: You cut your finger on a Cheetoh?
–Hotel pool, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Dude, Just Get a Bigger Fish!
Drunk camper: If that dude actually comes back with a fish and starts slapping people with it, I’m leaving this island. That is just way more intensity than I am prepared to deal with.
–Lake George, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
And in the Slums They Call Them 'Lunch'
Little boy: Dad, what kind of birds are these?
Dad: Those are pigeons, but at the seaside they will call them ‘seagulls’!
–Ostseebad Damp, Germany
Overheard by: Pascal
I Plan to Ménage à Trois with You
Older sister on cell speakerphone: Are you looking forward to seeing me on Friday?
Little sister: I am!
Older sister: You’re probably not looking forward to seeing Mike, though, are you?
Little sister: No, I’m looking forward to seeing him, too.
Mike, though speakerphone: Hah!
–Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
First They Blow You Up, Then They Patch You Up
Teen: What’s Hezbollah?
Dad: Well, it’s hard to explain. They’re a terrorist paramilitary organization, but they’re also a humanitarian social services organization. They’re sort of like the Super Wal-Mart of the Middle East.
–Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Muscles Show You've Done Something Today Besides Be Waited On
Aristocrat: Muscles are trashy.
–Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Spencer
If You're Arrested, the U.S. Will Deny You Exist
Flight attendant: Welcome to Acapulco, where the local time is party time.
–Plane Landing in Acapulco, Mexico
They Seem So Happy…Oh, Wait…
Teen girl #1: Oh, I’m so happy for Candice!* She finally has a normal boyfriend!
Teen girl #2: Oh, that’s nice…Wait, is it that 29-year-old E dealer you guys met at that rave in Chilliwack?
Teen girl #1: Yes!
Long pause.
Teen girl #1: Well, it’s normal for her, I guess.
–English Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia