Old folks

But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!

–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

Is It My Turn to Talk?

Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.

–Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws

Now If You Could Just Do Something about the Height of Your Waistband

Old man: Honey, do you feel better now that I’ve started wearing shorter socks?

–Bethany Beach, Delaware

The Problem Might Be Quality, Not Quantity– Just a Guess, Hon

Old lady, walking with husband: I don't really understand the problem. I mean, I throw more parties than the college kids!

–Pennfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut

Overheard by: Meg

And If You Swim Every Day, You Never Need to Bathe

Older rich man: I stopped using soap back in '74. There's a lot to be said for some hot water and a good scrub.

–Destin, Florida

Talk About False Advertising

Bikini girl to older man: Yeah, he dumped her because she didn't put out. I mean, you're a high school guy, are you really going to stay with a girl who doesn't put out? Also, she kinda had a mustache.

–Morgan Beach, Maine

Overheard by: Kim

When Interior Designer Boys Marry Landscaper Girls

Old lady: I think he's a delightful young man and so is she.

–Manteo, North Carolina

Overheard by: Sarah J.

Detached Redundancies Are For People Under the Age of 20

Tween #1: Ohmigod. It’s soooo sandy.
Tween #2: Um, it’s a beach.
Random old man: Damn teeny boppers.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: I hate shoobies.

No, My Family Comes to See Me

Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah… And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?

–Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut

Overheard by: Forgot my iPod

'Ethereal!' Raves the Washington Post

Young woman: I think Grandma’s looking down on us from heaven.
Old lady: I hear that’s a nice place.
Young woman: I’ve been there — it’s awesome!

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Robin M.

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