Drunk dude: I like mescaline for breakfast, because then all day you see all kinds of different shit.

–Pacific Beach, California

Blonde teen: You know that woman we saw at Ikea last year, the one that was like, massively, explosively pregnant?
Brunette teen: Yeah?
Blonde teen: Well I’ve been wondering…
Brunette teen: If she’s had her baby yet?
Blonde teen: No, I wonder if she named her baby “Ikea.”

–Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Jedda

College girl to college guys carving dragon in the sand: Ugh! What is wrong with you?! Dragons do not have such muscular arms!
College guy: Ours does!
College girl: I am torn: do I continue arguing about tiny dragon arms as if dragons are real or move on to mocking you for giving your dragon the biceps you wish you had?

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

British mother to young child: Either put it in your mouth or I’m giving it to charity!

–Miami Beach, Florida

Little black kid: Why can’t we go in the pool?
Friend: What pool? That ain’t no pool, nigga, it’s got sharks in it!

–Coney Island Boardwalk, New York

Seven‐year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it’s cause you have that weird sunburn.

–Liberia, Costa Rica

20‐something girl: We can’t make Eric a “sorry you got raped” cake anymore.

–Ocean City, New Jersey

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven’t gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida

Flight attendant: Welcome to Acapulco, where the local time is party time.

–Plane Landing in Acapulco, Mexico

Cop: Did they not know there was a Koala bear stuck in the grill of their car?

–Saint Petersburg, Florida