Dude: … So I’m, like, sitting there and she just keeps staring at me! So you know what I did? I threw my pizza crust at her forehead… And she started to bleed! I mean, that was some hard pizza crust, man! And you know what did said? Nothing! She just kept staring!

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Tourist, about the tide: Where does all the water go?

–Ogunquit Beach, Ogunquit, Maine

Overheard by: C’mon

Fat dude on awkward first date: Yeah, so that’s why I didn’t put ‘Let’s meet at Starbucks’ in my ad. ‘Let’s have a beer on the beach,’ you know?
Obese chick: Mmm‐hmmm.
Fat dude: So… You don’t drink?
Obese chick: Hm‐mmm.
Fat dude: So, it’s fair to say you have a problem with alcohol.
Obese chick: I don’t have a problem with it.
Fat dude, after long pause: So, what do you do? I mean, what other hobbies do you have?
Obese chick: I chew a lot of gum.

–Golden Gardens Park, Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Brooke

Bigmouth: I don’t care where we go, but I am not sitting with Allen… Oh, hi, Allen! 

–Fire Island Pines, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Boater #1: Look at all the geese! Will they move out of the way of the boat?
Boater #2: Of course they’ll move. They’re just like birds.

–Lake Erie, Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Beth

Over‐dressed and self‐important guy on cell: No, no, it was some sort of implement she was calling us… No… Rubber? A douchebag? I’ve heard that before.

–Pacific Palisades, California

Overheard by: ear of the betafish

Fat guy: Oh boy, that plane looks just like a seagull. You’d never see it coming! Oh wait, that is a seagull.

–Air show, Lake Michigan

Overheard by: Steve W

Anorexic girl: I wish I had AIDS. I hear you lose a lot of weight that way.

–San Francisco, California

Overheard by: so not PC

Jock: Don’t diabetics have to check their pH level?

–Long Beach, New York

Meathead: God, there are an awful lot of bums here.
Ditzy girl: I know. But think about it, being a bum in San Diego is totally smart. It’s never cold, and they can just sleep on the beach, and the church around the corner from my house feeds them for free every day. They’ve got it made!
Meathead: Totally. Being a bum here must rock. If I ever need to, I’m gonna be a bum here.
Ditzy girl: I know. I don’t know why people would be bums anywhere else. I mean, how stupid. If you’re gonna be homeless, do it in San Diego. Duh.

–Pacific Beach, San Diego, California

Overheard by: American Goods