Dads

Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!

–Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Father: Okay okay okay, let’s go now.
Tween daughter #1: Why? We have company! Can’t we stay?
Father: I have no coverage here. I have calls to make. I have to work. No work, no play, no food, no house, no fun, no beach, no vacation.
Tween daughter #2: No beach?
Father: How do you think this beach got here? My hard work.

–Nauset Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: amazed observer

Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I've got a fucking five-year-old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!

–The Hamptons, New York

Man to wife and daughter: Hey! I've shat my pants before and it really wasn't that bad, so I'd be willing to do it again.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Little girl: What does that sign mean?
Father: That means ‘Pedestrians,’ sweetie.
Little girl: Are we pedestrians?
Father: Yes, we are.
Little girl: Oh… I thought we were Catholics.

–Beach near Amsterdam, North Holland, Netherlands

Overheard by: Daan

Little boy: Dad, what's the navy?
Dad: It's the army, but with boats.

–South Haven, Michigan

Little girl: Why is the ghost still here?
Dad: She just likes to come back and say hi from the spirit world.
Little girl: But why does she throw books?
Dad: She doesn't throw books, she just likes to read. And she's a little drunk.

–Hotel Del Coronado, San Diego, California

Father pointing to ocean: Hey, John, look at the dolphins! [Seven-year-old boy looks around, not seeing them.] You’re missing them! You’re missing them like you miss everything! You’re just like your mother!

–Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Got to remember that for when I am a parent

Dad to misbehaving child: Do you want chocolate or a slap?

–Nantasket Beach, Massachusetts

Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You’re younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.

–Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: anna