Masturbating

40-something woman: Yeah, I cook a lot of chicken. I like it baked or fried, but my husband likes when I jerk it.

–Pompano Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Nastyasha

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven't gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida