Guy on cell: Dude, you gotta come down here…I’m about to jump in the ocean and scream at the universe and I want you to help me! (pause) Okay, yeah, send the brown people down.
–Miami Beach, Florida
Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category
She’s Already Fast-Forwarded the Kid Through Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and God
Young Boy: Mommy Mommy, they have Nemo in that fish tank!
Mom: Honey, Nemo’s dead.
–Antigua, the Caribbean
Overheard by: Ollie
The Warden Won’t Let Us Bring It Into the Prison
20-something girl: We can’t make Eric a “sorry you got raped” cake anymore.
–Ocean City, New Jersey
My Love for Him Burns Long and Strong
Man to friends: He’s a pyromaniac from way back.
–Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bonnie
If You Tell Me to Diversify My Portfolio One More Time…
Mother to five-year-old: I don’t want to hear your shit!
–Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Luminesce
You Win this Time, Mom
Young kid: Awww look, you were right. Now I don’t get to punch you.
–Vero Beach, Florida
Hope You’re Studying up for Thursday’s Dung-Flinging Quiz
Professor to group of girls covered in whitish goo: What happened to you?
Girl #1: Egg sac war.
Girl #2 and Girl #3: Yeah.
Professor: … Ugh.
Guy: I love this class.
–Fort DeSoto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: There’s nothing like lab in the field
Dude, Just Get a Bigger Fish!
Drunk camper: If that dude actually comes back with a fish and starts slapping people with it, I’m leaving this island. That is just way more intensity than I am prepared to deal with.
–Lake George, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
Sharks: Mmmm, Pulled Long Pork!
Kid: Wouldn’t it suck if you had a boogie board with razor blades on it? It’d be like weeeee-aahhhhhhhh!
–Santa Monica, California
That’s How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
–Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
