Swimming

We're Even Outsourcing Our Urban Menace

Thug #1: You goin’ in the water or you not?
Chick: I wanna go in the water, but I need yo’ shirt!
Thug #1: You’s like the Mexicans sayin’ they wanna cross the fence to get to the U.S. Just climb over it!
Thug #2: They cross the river! Them Mexicans turn cars into boats and float across! They must been watchin’ Monster Garage when they turned the VW Bug into a boat!
Thug #1: You not gettin’ my t-shirt — go in the water!
Chick, turning to Thug #1’s toddler son: Can I have your jersey? You have a shirt under it! I wanna go in the water!
Toddler: No!
Thug #2: That thing was sick. They turned that car into a boat and floated across!

–Plum Island, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Megan

Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?

Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It’s a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that’s Grandpa.

–Caloundra, Australia

The Goldilocks Tale Gets a Strange and Wonderful Retelling

Young boy: This water’s too cold for one of my privates!

–Cunningham Falls, Maryland

I Wish I Had the Memory Span Of a Goldfish

Teenage boy #1, neck deep in water: Aw, dude! My phone was in my pocket!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Dude! I just found a hundred dollar bill!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Man, I love that Xbox 360.
Teenage boy #2: Yeah man, yeah!

–Bethany Beach, Delaware

Is That What Happened to Neve Campbell?

Surfer #1: I’m thinking about joining this race where you paddle out to Catalina.
Surfer #2: How do you get back?
Surfer #3: Might not come back.
Surfer #4: Heavy.

–Malibu, California

Overheard by: Brandon

Join the Support Group

Girl to friend: I don't think I'm going to go into the water. I'm going out later, and sand in my crotch just makes me grumpy.

–Santa Monica Beach, California

An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing

Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We’ve been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!

–West Palm Beach, Florida

Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too

George Patton Learns Why Children Make Bad Soldiers

Four-year-old boy, crouched behind a sand wall, yelling at friends running from waves: Hold your positions! I said, “Hold your positions!”

–Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Aren't You Guys a Little Young for a Suicide Pact?

Kid #1: Wanna make a sand castle?
Kid #2: I don’t like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go swimming?
Kid #2: I don’t like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go eat ice cream?
Kid #2: Wanna go die?

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: Mandy

And Hard to Breathe

20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water’s salty!

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

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