Money

From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine

20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up ’cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin’ this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, ‘You can’t be leavin’ change lyin’ around the house!’ But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It’s that mother-daughter thing, you know?

–Palm Beach Shores, Florida

Overheard by: Ethan

I Wish I Had the Memory Span Of a Goldfish

Teenage boy #1, neck deep in water: Aw, dude! My phone was in my pocket!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Dude! I just found a hundred dollar bill!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Man, I love that Xbox 360.
Teenage boy #2: Yeah man, yeah!

–Bethany Beach, Delaware

Next, Grasshopper, You Will Learn to Say the F-Word in Between Syllables

Swedish guy, to French guy: So you’re telling me I just paid like 1,000 Euro to go here and find out that some fuckin’ frogshagger screwed my girlfriend?

French guy says nothing.

Swedish guy: Hey, that’s three words for “intercourse” in one sentence! Personal record!

–Côte d’Azur, France

Overheard by: Another Swede

He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal

Guy #1: What I can’t understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official’s salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don’t have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won’t even use a bottle of ketchup if it’s already been opened.

–Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

…Put It to Work, and Earn My Money Back.

Guy: And the guy is complaining about the price of birth control! “Forty dollars?” he's saying… “For that price, I'd rather have a baby!”

–Long Beach, Long Island

Overheard by: Colleen

These Government Plants Are Getting More and More Believable

Serbian waiter: Card?
Tourist ordering drinks: You're going to card me!? C'mon, I left my card in the State room.
Serbian waiter: Card you? In Prague I work in bar next to high school, no I'm not going to carding! I need your payment card.

–Carnival Cruise, Ensenada, Mexico

Bush Surrendered Cheney Almost Immediately

Man: … So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash… And I walked up to him and said, ‘Give me that goat!’

–Restaurant, Mammoth, California

Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'

Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You’re on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says ‘Come on in.’
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don’t. That’s what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I’ll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You’ll forget. Do it now. No one’s watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I’m going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.

–Destin, Florida

Only Kidding, Pookie – I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage

Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on… it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we’d be at the farmacia buying Cialis.

–Puerto Nuevo, Mexico

At Least, That's What I Heard

Middle-aged guy: Nah, it’s never worth it if you don’t get laid. I mean, I could’ve gotten two hookers for that much!

–Lake Calhoun, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: boris the blade

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