Father at table with whole family, after female scream is heard: Wow, that sounds like my wife’s orgasm. I’m hammered!
–Catalina Island, California
Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category
Should All Jane Austen Novels Be Burned? Discuss.
Girl #1: Can you get promoted?
Girl #2: Well, right now I have like the highest position I can have, unless, like, I work my ass off and get promoted to another part of the company. But I’m just not that motivated. My goal is to just get married and not have to work.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah, I think that’s everyone’s goal.
–Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tara
Assuming You Aren’t Consistently Pregnant
16-year-old clerk to man buying tampons: Those for you? (snickers)
Tampon-buying man: No, I have a wife. Don’t worry, one day when you are all grown up, you will need these too.
–Grocery Store, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Absolute Motorpower Corrupts Absolutely
Angry old lady in motorchair: Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been all over this side of the lake, on the ferry, to the other side and back across here lookin’ for you!
Bewildered old man in motorchair: I was over there lookin’ for you.
Angry old lady: Whatever! Just come on! [Speeds off.]Bewildered old man, scared: But wait for me!
–Epcot’s International Village, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: bakerchica
In His Prison Locker
Niece: I can’t find my underwear!
Uncle: Maybe it’s with my wedding ring.
–Rio Del Mar Beach, California
To Be Fair, What American Would?
Woman, putting lotion on man’s back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years…
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you’re 40! Okay, now you’re scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I’d explain it to you but you wouldn’t understand.
–Fort De Soto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ishkabibble
…Chug on That.
Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We’re married. I don’t have to love her at all.
–Rafting Down Delaware River
Overheard by: twoferrets
And That’s How Johnny Cash Got the Idea for ‘Delia’s Gone’
Little sister: Bury me! Bury me!
Big brother: No, I can’t marry you. That’d be disgusting.
Little sister: BURY me!
Big brother: No, no, I can’t marry you! Stop it!
Little sister: I said BURY me, stupid!
–Orchard Beach, New York
Overheard by: Anais Borg-Marks
Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven’t been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!
–Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Republicans: See? See?!
Teenage girl: I love carbs! I would marry them if eating your spouse was legal!
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
