Guy: Look, Jen — I’ll fuck you, I’ll spank you, I’ll tie you up, and I’ll piss on you, but I am not getting back into a relationship with you.
–Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category
But Isn’t Urine Sterile?
Girl: Can you tell me why you’re pissing on the sand?
Guy: We’re in Jersey.
Girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Jersey’s dirty. It’s your duty as an American to fuckin’ keep it that way, bitch.
–Merivale Avenue, Beach Haven, New Jersey
Overheard by: Snow White
And I’m Totally Upset That Our Video Debuts on SmutLady.Com Tonight
Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you’re an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!
–Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia
Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It’s time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear — I’m starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
–21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time
Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?
–Bayville, New Jersey
What Would It Cost to Rent It?
40-something guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Chick in bikini: Oh, I have a long list of things…
40-something guy: Stripper?
Chick in bikini, hardly offended: Do I look like I have the body of a stripper?
40-something guy: That’s why I asked.
–Palm Beach, Florida
That Makes Sense; I Never Jerk Off on Bad Hair Days
Man: Get rid of your mustache, and then worry about the Brazilian.
Woman: Get some hair on your head, and then go fuck yourself.
–Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mike
Something I Probably Would Never Do in Front of You
Boyfriend to girlfriend’s underage sister: Want a beer? [Girlfriend and little sister stare at him.] What? It’s not like I asked her to blow me.
–Treasure Island Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sara
Did That Guy Seem Juiced Up to You?
Skinny, half naked black guy wearing purple booty shorts: “do you guys do drugs?“
College kids: “no…“
Black guy: “oh I do…I’m a drug addict. Yeah, I just came from a rave, there are some crazy people out there! Why are y’all sitting here in the middle of venice beach? It gets dangerous here at night!“
College kid (holding an orange): “well, I’m strapped, so…“
Black guy: “is that an orange? Can I have it?” (takes orange and walks away).
–Venice Beach
Overheard by: Keidi
Calm Down, Feminists, He’s Just Tara’s Plastic Surgeon
Guy to friend: If they’re not Tara Reid, I don’t want to see their tits.
–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
