Archive for 2019

Looks Like a Stand-off

Crazy bag lady: I’m Ozzy’s mommy!
Queer: No, you’re not! You’re a fucking gross woman who carries around used clothes and a knapsack full of tissues! Plus, Ozzy sucks!
Crazy bag lady: Fag!

–St. Petersburg, Florida

And Resigning From Your Fan Club

50-something woman: I want the tiramisu for my birthday cake!
Husband: Well, the restaurant says they only have individual portions, not a big thing. That would be expensive for eleven people.
50-something woman: Well, I don't want the key lime pie, that's fifth on a list of five options.
20-something woman #1: Well, why don't we get a pie for everyone else, and a tiramisu for you?
50-something woman: I want everyone to eat what I'm eating in commemoration of my birthday!
20-something woman #2: Oh my god. I'm leaving.

–Holden Beach, North Carolina

Overheard by: Audrey

I'm Going to Med School

Girl to boy showing a picture: This is for Valentine's Day.
Boy: Umm… That's really disturbing, is it a bouquet of penises?
Girl: It's not disturbing! It's for Valentine's. (pause) Wait, did you just say “penises”?

–Tampa, Florida

There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom

Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what’s that?
Tired mother: It’s a mushroom. Someday I’m going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it’s going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!

–Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida