Archive for 2019

…Have Some Fucking Family Fun!

Attractive dad in front of giant sting ray swim tank: There will always be times in your life where you will have fear, but when you do it anyway, it makes it easier the next time. Okay, buddy?
Skinny eight-year-old with snot dripping down his nose: (nods)
Attractive dad: Okay, let's go.

–Discovery Cove, Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: I was scared

Dad's Kind Of a Giant Sand Dick

Four-year-old girl: Look daddy, I'm going to make a sand castle!
Inexplicably angry father: You know that's not going to work! The sand has to be wet. I thought we went over this already, but you never listen, do you?

–Grand Bend, Canadia

Overheard by: Castle

Lamarck: The Evidence I Was Waiting For!

Girl: That big lady across the room is staring at you again. You know she thinks you’re hot — I bet she’s picturing you naked right now.
Guy, rubbing his nipples: She wants my body.
Girl: In a minute she’s gonna look over here and do that to you.
Guy: Are you kidding? That bitch would have to grow longer arms so she could reach below her knees.

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina