Archive for 2017

I'll Just Go Back to Calling Her Fat

Mother to toddler: Baby, don’t cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn’t tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You’re going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.

–Panama Beach, Florida

If No Elevator Is Available, I'd Like to Be Carried on a Litter

Puerto Rican princess: Hey! Hey, you – Mr. Captain or whatever.
Steward: Yes, ma’am?
Puerto Rican princess: Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?
Steward: Excuse me?
Puerto Rican princess: Where is the elevator that goes to the front of the ship?
Random passenger: Someone throw her overboard now and put her out of my misery.

–Caribbean Cruise, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: also waiting for elevator