Archive for 2016

You Know — He Was Married to Florence Henderson, Had Six Kids and a Maid…

Girl #1: And so I told him, ‘You don’t really look Tom Brady.’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, I’m hotter than he is.’ Yeah, this is why I don’t usually listen to him talk.
Girl #2: Oh, I know. He’s retarded, but he’s such a nice piece of ass.
Girl #1: Definitely. But I’d still take Tom Brady any day, right?
Girl #2: Wait, didn’t they replace him?
Girl #1: He’s one of their best players! Why would they do that?
Girl #2: The news anchor? Who are you talking about?
Girl #1: You mean Tom Brokaw?
Girl #2: Oh. Who’s Tom Brady?

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Overheard by: Mary

If This Ends With Adult Diapers, I'm Outta Here

Guy #1: So step one is where she's peeing and he comes in to pee and she spreads her legs far to open up a space into the toilet and he pees in that space. Guy #2 no, step one is where she's really drunk and he's really drunk and she's in the bathroom peeing and he barges in to pee too and she doesn't freak out.
Guy #1: Oh yeah, that makes more sense. There's a progression.
Guy #2: So then what you said first is step two and then step three is where they're both drunk and she's peeing and he walks in the bathroom and not only does she not freak out, but she allows him to dip his hand in her stream of urine.
Girl: What the fuck? Why would he do that?
Guy #1: That's just how he rolls. But you see the progression, right? And the whole point is that if she doesn't freak out, she's a keeper.

–Tybee Island, GA

Overheard by: Can't concentrate on my book

Shark: This Job Just Keeps Getting Harder

Blonde: Oh my god, I’ve been watching ‘Shark Week’ on TV, and this guy got his hand bitten off. It was crazy! It was a show about survivors, and they showed the scars and everything!
Brunette: That is crazy. I don’t know how I’d live without my hands. I’d rather have the shark bite off my arm.

–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: Steve