Archive for 2015

Dear God, What Have I Done?

Father to daughter, while mother brushes hair: Doesn't that hurt?
Daughter: Nope, I have a strong scallop.
Father: What does that mean? Your head is not made of vegetables!
Mother: What? Vegetables? That's “scallions,” you idiot! And your head is not a scallop, it's a scalp… you're both idiots! (laughs hysterically)

–Robert Moses, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Sugardoll

You Look More Like a Woodpecker to Me, Though

Bearded man #1: Alright, man, I'll see you later.
Bearded man #2: Yeah, see ya.
Bearded man #1: I'll come by your window later and whistle for you. No, I'll do a bird call. Kaw! Kaw!
Bearded man #2: Okay, man.
Bearded man: #1: I'm a crow! I'm a raven! I love birds!
Bearded man #2: Alright, man, I hear you!

–Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: Likes birds too

Wait, Octopus Flavor?

Redneck spring breaker ordering from ceviche stand: Lemme try some of that shave-ice.

–South Beach, Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Bet he didn’t like it