Walking vendor: Oh, I know you! I fucked your sister on your front lawn! Your parents have a really bad grub problem. They should take care of that.
–Charlestown, Rhode Island
Archive for the ‘Vendors’ Category
Which Anniversary Is the Coors Anniversary Again?
Guy selling beer: Ladies, if your man won’t buy you a beer he ain’t gonna buy you anything else!
Same guy selling beer, an hour later: If you don’t drink beer, you’re gonna die!
–Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ramen
One Day You, Too, Can Be a Douchebag!
Out-of-shape 50-something customer: I don’t know, the guys I see riding fixed-gear bikes are in really good shape.
20-something bike salesman: That shouldn’t intimidate you; it should inspire you.
–Sag Harbor, New York
Overheard by: the lerpa
The Bible Omitted the Serpent’s Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It’s paradise!
–Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
When You Were Standing Watch, What Were You Watching?
Navy guy #1: Do you have beach shorts?
Gift shop employee: Yeah, over there.
Navy guy #2: This is a small. I think I need a medium.
Navy guy #1: Dude, no. Your dick is small.
–Pensacola Beach, Florida
Lessons in Tolerance
Vendor: Hey, buy some pizza!
Chick: I don’t like bread.
Vendor: Then just eat the cheese!
Chick: I’m lactose-intolerant.
Vendor: Fro-zen yo-gurt!
–Venice Beach, California
The Black Hole Of Calcutta Eventually Stumped Him
Guy selling belly and tongue rings: If you got the hole, we got the thing for it!
–Coney Island, New York
Present Company Excepted, Of Course
Bedraggled female peddler to another: Man, of all of the spots I’ve had here I’ve never seen so many lowlifes congregated around one place.
–Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Gary & Nadja
Wow, Am I Lost
Girl: Excuse me, what lake is this?
Street vendor: The Atlantic one.
–Portland, Maine
The Obesity Epidemic is Starting Younger and Younger, You Know
Vendor: Okay, here’s your small fries and Diet Coke. Will that be all?
Lady: That’s a Diet Coke, right?
Vendor: Right, I just poured it. Diet Coke.
Lady: You’re sure? Diet? Not regular?
Vendor: That’s right. It’s Diet Coke.
Lady: Because I’m pregnant and I don’t want to harm my baby, so I can only have Diet Coke until my due date.
–Garry Point, Richmond, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: appalled customer waiting for fish and chips
