Ditzy blonde tourist: I'm in New York City, and I have no idea what to do.
–Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Mimi
Archive for the ‘Tourists’ Category
Though I Often Doubt If They Are Worth It
Native man: This is where Hawaiians come to celebrate a child’s first birthday with a luau. All the family comes to have a three-day party by the ocean.
Tourist: How did that get started?
Native man: To protect the babies from the missionaries who loved to eat plump Hawaiian babies.
Tourist, shocked: That wasn’t in my tour book.
Native man: It’s something we keep quiet to protect the white missionaries.
–Kohala, Hawaii
Overheard by: BLondie
I Must Now Take 300 Digital Photographs
Tourist woman, looking at bushes of rose hips: Oh! Look at all the baby tomatoes!
–Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
No, It's Actually for Vacationers Who Need a Change of Pace
Teen tourist: Oh my God, there’s a high school over there! Wait, does that mean people actually live here? I thought it was just a tourist place. Weird.
–Aruba
I'll Ask God If We Can Borrow His Wet-Dry Vac
Tourist, walking on boardwalk at high tide: They really have to do something about this water problem.
–Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
Why Bill Got Fired from His Weatherman Gig
Tourist: What a beautiful day! If it were a girl I’d take her home and eat her pussy out all night!
–Nags Head, North Carolina
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn’t you say that the first time?
–Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
–St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
–Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
So, Ummm… How Do You Look with Them Off?
Tourist guy #1: I never thought you’d look good in Bermuda shorts.
Tourist guy #2: Right.
Tourist guy #1: But you do! You really do!
–Broadsands, South Devon, United Kingdom