Hobo to lifeguard: Yeah, I pooped here. Twice, actually. Once right there, and once right there.
–Pacifica, California
Archive for the ‘Swimming’ Category
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We’ve been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
–West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
Great White Ones!
Little black kid: Why can't we go in the pool?
Friend: What pool? That ain't no pool, nigga, it's got sharks in it!
–Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
George Patton Learns Why Children Make Bad Soldiers
Four-year-old boy, crouched behind a sand wall, yelling at friends running from waves: Hold your positions! I said, “Hold your positions!”
–Sandy Hook, New Jersey
According to My Big Book Of Ways to Make Kids Cry
Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you're in the water, you're gonna die!
–Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Running for Cover
Stop Touching My Cellulite, Sweetie.
Little girl in an excited hush: It looks like the desert… It even has lumps like the desert!
–Williamstown beach, Melbourne, Australia
Magnifying an Image by 100x Totally Counteracts the Effects Of Shrinkage
Chubby, bald man to female friends: They should really put mirrors on the beach, facing out towards the water, so you can watch yourself in the ocean… No, not mirrors, JumboTrons! I would love to watch myself on a giant tv while I swim!
–Kure Beach, North Carolina
I'm Not Sure My Breasts Are Bouncy Enough for This
Girl in the ocean to onshore friend: Come out here! I'm like The Little Mermaid without Sebastian! I don't even have flounder!
Girl on shore: (shakes head no)
Girl in the ocean: Come on! You've seen Baywatch! Jog!
–Smith's Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Andi
We Also Would Have Accepted: "…But It Just Got Better"
Lifeguard: Yo! The beach ain't no good! I said the beach ain't no good today! (sees attractive woman walking toward the beach) Hey there, listen, the beach isn't good today, okay?
–Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Nikki
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
–Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian