Skinny hipster in the river: Then why the fuck are we swimming here if I could lose my fucking dick?!
–Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: commodore
Archive for the ‘Swimming’ Category
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
–Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
Or Swedish?
Drunk woman to woman coming out of water with snorkeling mask: Oh, I was thinking about getting one of those! Is it worth the money?
Woman in mask: Absolutely! There's tons of sea urchins, coral, plants, fish…
Drunk woman: Tropical?
–Atlantis Resort Cove Beach, Bahamas
Overheard by: Maggie
Leave Your Sister Alone, Honey — She Had a Hard Night
12-year-old girl: Mom! She’s throwing up pickles in the pool!
–Ixtapa, Mexico
Or "Horseshoe Crabs Aren't Fuckbuddies"
Girl to friend: Swimming without lifeguards is awesome. There's nobody to say, “hey, no splash fights”, or “you can't have that fifth of vodka in the water!”
–Madison Beach, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Also Drinking
It's a Lead Boogieboard
10-year-old boy #1 in the pool: The sign says no flotation devices.
10-year-old boy #2: This isn't a flotation device, it's a boogie board.
10-year-old boy #1: A boogie board is a flotation device!
–Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: a schooner is a sailboat
Australian Life, Encapsulated
Girl #1, in shade: Wanna go down to the water?
Girl #2: Sure!
Girl #2, in water: Wanna go back to the tree?
Girl #1: Yeah. I do.
–Sydney, Australia
We're Even Outsourcing Our Urban Menace
Thug #1: You goin’ in the water or you not?
Chick: I wanna go in the water, but I need yo’ shirt!
Thug #1: You’s like the Mexicans sayin’ they wanna cross the fence to get to the U.S. Just climb over it!
Thug #2: They cross the river! Them Mexicans turn cars into boats and float across! They must been watchin’ Monster Garage when they turned the VW Bug into a boat!
Thug #1: You not gettin’ my t-shirt — go in the water!
Chick, turning to Thug #1’s toddler son: Can I have your jersey? You have a shirt under it! I wanna go in the water!
Toddler: No!
Thug #2: That thing was sick. They turned that car into a boat and floated across!
–Plum Island, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Megan
They Never Call
Little girl to friend, after being put back into standing position by a wave: Haha! That wave just knocked me up!
–Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sarah
It's Natural to Be Afraid Of Giant, Mechanical Sharks
Random passer-by: Have you seen Shark Week? I'm not going in there!
–Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Anna