Archive for the ‘Smoking’ Category

I’m Not Preg­nant

Man: I can’t be­lieve how much gas we saved by rent­ing that car in­stead of tak­ing mine.
Woman: Yeah, but how come you can fart in it, but I can’t smoke?

–Ore­gon

I’m Look­ing to Up­grade

Woman walk­er #1: I would nev­er go out with him–his head is huge, his clothes are al­ways wrin­kled, and he does­n’t show­er.
Woman walk­er #2: Ugh.
Woman walk­er #1: Be­sides, he smokes.
Woman walk­er #2: But you smoke, too!
Woman walk­er #1: I know, but I nev­er date smok­ers.

–Lake Mi­ra­mar, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: El Meech

From The Big Book of Clum­sy Pick-Up Lines

Girl #1, ap­proach­ing girl #2: Um, you should work on your self-es­teem more.
Girl #2: What? Who are you?
Girl #1: Take your shorts off. You’re gonna get an ug­ly tan line.
Girl #2: I’m okay with that, thank you.
Girl #1: What do you care if you are fat? Love your­self!
Girl #2: Fuck off! Who asked your opin­ion? Who are you?
Girl #1: Hey, can I bum a cig­a­rette?

–Topan­ga State Beach, Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Freaked Out By CA Chicks

Mar­i­jua­na: The Uni­ver­sal Lan­guage

Guatemalan teen, pass­ing Amer­i­can teen on the beach: Quieres fu­mar?
Amer­i­can teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fu­mar?
Amer­i­can teen: Bro, I don’t know what you’re say­ing. I don’t speak Mex­i­can or what­ev­er that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
Amer­i­can teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why did­n’t you say that the first time?

–Monte Ri­co, Guatemala

Over­heard by: Man­go­Joe

My Can­cer Nev­er For­gets Me

South­ern belle: If I had got­ten on that boat, I would have met the man of my dreams. We would have had an amaz­ing time and I would have fall­en mad­ly in love. Then I’d go back to Arkansas and he’d for­get about me, just like all the rest of them.
Friend: Yeah… Need a smoke?
South­ern belle: Yes! Do you have men­thol? I love men­thol.

–Fort My­ers Beach, Flori­da