Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I’ve got a fucking five-year-old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!
–The Hamptons, New York
Archive for the ‘Should've used a condom’ Category
You Win this Time, Mom
Young kid: Awww look, you were right. Now I don’t get to punch you.
–Vero Beach, Florida
It’s French for “Goes Directly to Your Thighs”
Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can’t have sugar! (pause) What is “creme brulee,” anyways?
–Huntington Beach, California
… And Because You Knocked Up Our Mom in the First Place
Mom (exasperatedly): Come on children, you guys going to give me heart failure!
Six-year-old: You going to give yourself heart failure, cause you wouldn’t leave us alone.
–Bridgetown, Barbados
According to My Big Book Of Ways to Make Kids Cry
Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you’re in the water, you’re gonna die!
–Pawley’s Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Running for Cover
You Promised You’d Take Me to Harlem
Mother, holding one son in the ocean and calling another on shore: See? The water’s fantastic. You have nothing to worry about.
Four-year-old son, crying: I don’t want to die here!
–Palm Beach, Aruba
Just Breathe a Little Water and We’re Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn’t have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin’ someone in the ding-dong ain’t gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
–Destin, Florida
Abraham Lincoln Told Me, Last Night
Little boy: Mommy, do you know this?
Mom: What, honey?
Little boy: Do you know this?
Mom: What, honey? I know everything.
Little boy: You’re crazy.
Mom: Yeah, I knew this.
–Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Just waiting for a lobster roll
A Dog Peed on Me When I was a Baby, and I Have Sworn Revenge
Cute toddler to friends: Whoever has a dog, raise your hand… so I can murder it!
–Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Willy
He’ll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It’s my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, ’cause I’m not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
–Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
