Kid, skateboarding in parking lot next door: I think those gummy worms gave me diarrhea.
–Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jen
Archive for the ‘Should've used a condom’ Category
I Just Realized How Much I Miss The Golden Girls
Large mother to screaming child: Stop that screeching or I’ll cut out your larynx!
Large mother to large sister: Where did she learn to screech like that?
Large sister: I don’t know, ask the one in the wheelchair. (points to grandmother in wheelchair)
–Ocean City, Maryland
It Was a Question on My Preschool Entrance Exam
Five-year-old (yelling across beach: Mommy, if you pooped out a baby, would I faint?
–Ocean Beach III, New Jersey
I’m Guessing The Sopranos
Little girl: I’m gonna… I’m gonna cut off your head with a knife!
Mother, shocked: Where did you hear that kind of language?!
Little girl: Ummm, I don’t know…
Mother: You must have heard it somewhere!
Little girl: I made it up! … Is pepperoni meat?
Mother: Yes.
–Oceanside, California
Overheard by: kafrin
Leave Your Sister Alone, Honey — She Had a Hard Night
12-year-old girl: Mom! She’s throwing up pickles in the pool!
–Ixtapa, Mexico
Payback’s a Bitch
Saggy-drawered kid: That woman carrying shit on her head.
Mother: Boy, you ain’t in Brooklyn anymore. This place different. And keep your voice down.
Saggy-drawered kid: Hell, she don’t speak English. And what the hell computer boy gonna do, report me to the internet?
–Tela Beach, Honduras
Overheard by: Computer boy, I assume
She Ain’t a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It’s been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4‑Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain’t a woman! You’re my mother!
–Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
NewsFlash: Toddler Gets Eyes Pecked Out. “Deserved It,” Sources Say.
Three-year-old girl using towel as a cape and chasing seagull: I’m prettier than you! I’m prettier than you!
–Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: you’re very tan
How that Stinky Guy You Work with Got His Start
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands!
Dirty son: No!
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands, Justin!
Dirty son: [Sticks his hands in the clogged sink.]Angry mother: Use the fucking soap. You just gave the dog his medicine in his butt.
Dirty son: No way, I already stuck my hands in my mouth.
–In-N-Out Burger, Long Beach, California
What Do You Think I’ve Been Training Them For?
Passing local, to little boy feeding seagulls: Hey, you don’t want to do that. They’ll attack you.
Little boy: Okay. Thank you.
Local walks of earshot.
Little boy: What a bitch.
–St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sara
